Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
My Father
The feeling that my father is going to die is crippling me.
I have no idea what to do... and I really have no one to talk to.
I live around 700 miles away from my parents and I think being so far away and being so homesick contributes to my constant worry over him.
My father is not even hospitalized or bound to his bed sick. He still goes to work (although, he has missed work a lot because of his heart) and he still does the normal things he usually does.
His heart is just really weak and fragile and on top of it all, he is diabetic and has had high blood pressure for at least 20 years. He takes around 15 pills a day for diabetes, hypertension and his heart.
Also, the dream I had is making me more and more worried every day.
My mom is worried too. I'm pretty sure she isn't telling me everything... but, what she does tell me she tells me at night when my dad is asleep.
Please pray for my daddy.
My parents have given up a lot in their lives to serve God.
We have no close family or relatives... and, we do not really have ANY close life long friends.
We have no body except for each other and God. Absolutely no body.
I have no idea what to do... and I really have no one to talk to.
I live around 700 miles away from my parents and I think being so far away and being so homesick contributes to my constant worry over him.
My father is not even hospitalized or bound to his bed sick. He still goes to work (although, he has missed work a lot because of his heart) and he still does the normal things he usually does.
His heart is just really weak and fragile and on top of it all, he is diabetic and has had high blood pressure for at least 20 years. He takes around 15 pills a day for diabetes, hypertension and his heart.
Also, the dream I had is making me more and more worried every day.
My mom is worried too. I'm pretty sure she isn't telling me everything... but, what she does tell me she tells me at night when my dad is asleep.
Please pray for my daddy.
My parents have given up a lot in their lives to serve God.
We have no close family or relatives... and, we do not really have ANY close life long friends.
We have no body except for each other and God. Absolutely no body.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Sometimes I forget...
that I was bought by my King at the highest price that could ever have been paid.
It hits me like a speeding train every time that I remember.
He thinks I'm worth it; therefore, I am.
It hits me like a speeding train every time that I remember.
He thinks I'm worth it; therefore, I am.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Today I said something...
... and the world almost imploded.
I created this blog so I can express things that I do not feel as though I can tell people in my life. Since I started the blog I have been wondering if I really couldn't go to my friends and family and tell them when something was wrong so that I can try and work through it or if that was just a lie that I had been building up in my head.
After tonight I have come to the conclusion that I cannot and should not talk to my friends and especially not my family when things are wrong.
A couple of hours ago, I was in the car with my brother. My brother and I attend the same university and we are both a very long long way from home. We never see each other. At first this was because we were both just busy with school and could only see each other occasionally. Now, we never see each other until we need to or it happens by chance. Anyway, we were doing some grocery shopping together and we argued about something stupid on the way there (this usually happens, this is partly why I avoid him). At the store, we bought our items separately and met at the car to drive back to campus. We were going to start to argue again but we both really didn't want to, so i started talking about other random things. As I was rambling on, I decided that I was going to tell him about something that was bothering me.
Okay, so this next part might be confusing, strange, or unbelievable to anyone reading it, but please just read it and don't judge it by your own standards or your own world.
I rarely dream. If I do, I never really remember the contents of my dreams or the fact that I have been dreaming at all.
It's not like I know that I have been dreaming and just can't remember what I was dreaming, usually I have no idea THAT I was dreaming at all.
Therefore, it is really significant when I remember anything about my dreams.
Also, the only dreams I ever remember are realistic or at least semi-realistic dreams. For example, I never dream I am hopping on clouds with Easter bunnies or anything like that. My dreams are all ones where the characters are people I know and the situations are realistic, or at least representative of realistic situations.
I keep a paper journal for my poems and other writings and in sophomore year in high school I started writing down my dreams and dating them whenever I had a dream I could remember.
In November 2006 I was a high school junior (11th grade) and I had a dream that I wrote in my journal. The date simply said "November 2006." Here is a paraphrase of the entry sine I do not have that journal with me
In the dream, I was a college student. I was sitting in the cafeteria at a booth with two girls who I think must have been my roommates (either that, or my close friends). We were commenting on how there was always too much oil in the food in our university's cafeteria. I was poking around at my Fajita with my fork and showing them how it was just dripping with oil. One of my roommates was patting a cheese pizza with a napkin and the other was telling us that's why she goes for the cereal on days like that one. I don't know their names but one of them had dyed red hair and a lip piercing while the other had dark hair that was a little past her chin. The one with the lip ring was smaller than the other one who was slightly heavier. They both wore pretty eccentric clothing.
And that's it. It's pretty short and at that time in my life, pretty insignificant and I pretty much forgot about it.
I started college in August of 2008. I was assigned 2 roommates. I had completely forgotten all of the details of this dream and only vaguely remembered that it was about me in college. I gave it no significant thought whatsoever. One day; however, my roommates and I were eating in the cafeteria. I had fajitas, and my red headed roommate was eating cereal while my dark headed roommate was eating some pizza. So... my dream happened. We started talking about how greasy and oily the food is. I thought it was deja-vu when it was happening, but... it was a really long deja-vu, probably like 2-3 minutes, so it just felt... INSANE. Then, I rememebred that I had dreamt something similar a while ago. The thing is, the journal that I had written it in was from 2006, so it was full and at home. I couldn't check until the summer. When I did... I didn't really know what to do. I told a friend (I had told him about a few of my other dreams anyway) and he told me they were not dream. They were visions from God.
I know it sounds crazy, but as I said, please do not judge this or write it off as nonsense. This is what really happened to me and my life is not nonsense. This is not the only time this has happened to me either.
Anyway, so the point is what I told my brother in the car on the way back to campus was a dream. In my last blog entry I said I had a terrible feeling something bad was going to happen, and I have that feeling because of a dream I had about a week ago.
My father is pretty ill at the moment. He has a heart condition, is diabetic, has high blood pressure, and has various other things wrong with him. He is also getting pretty old.
In my dream my father died. Well, my dream was of my mother, brother and me sitting in my parents's room the night before my father's funeral. My mother was crying as she talked about my father, his death, and how we had no one in the world that loved us except for him (really, that's pretty true - we have very few connections to our extended families and thos connections are not strong, my grandparents are all dead, and my family has moved too many times over the years to have any life long friendships).
So, given what I know about my dreams I am paranoid that my father is going to die.
In the dream, we were all a little older, so I think the dream is set at least 4 years from now.
This could be just me being paraniod because my father is ill.
It could mean nothing. Most of the dreams I remember have NOT come true, only about 3 of them have happened and they have all been fairly insignificant instances in my life.
But... when I told my brother he got really angry and started shouting at me. He said that if dad died he would blame me for it and that if I thought that this dream was from God then God was sick and terrible. It was bad. Really bad. He went on and said some really really terrible things to me that I don't really want to write down here because... they really hurt me.
Now, he won't talk to me. At all. He dropped me off at my dorm and sped away.
So, that's reall it. Right now, all I think I can do it pray about it. Pray for my father and for my mother and for my brother. I love them.
-SW
I created this blog so I can express things that I do not feel as though I can tell people in my life. Since I started the blog I have been wondering if I really couldn't go to my friends and family and tell them when something was wrong so that I can try and work through it or if that was just a lie that I had been building up in my head.
After tonight I have come to the conclusion that I cannot and should not talk to my friends and especially not my family when things are wrong.
A couple of hours ago, I was in the car with my brother. My brother and I attend the same university and we are both a very long long way from home. We never see each other. At first this was because we were both just busy with school and could only see each other occasionally. Now, we never see each other until we need to or it happens by chance. Anyway, we were doing some grocery shopping together and we argued about something stupid on the way there (this usually happens, this is partly why I avoid him). At the store, we bought our items separately and met at the car to drive back to campus. We were going to start to argue again but we both really didn't want to, so i started talking about other random things. As I was rambling on, I decided that I was going to tell him about something that was bothering me.
Okay, so this next part might be confusing, strange, or unbelievable to anyone reading it, but please just read it and don't judge it by your own standards or your own world.
I rarely dream. If I do, I never really remember the contents of my dreams or the fact that I have been dreaming at all.
It's not like I know that I have been dreaming and just can't remember what I was dreaming, usually I have no idea THAT I was dreaming at all.
Therefore, it is really significant when I remember anything about my dreams.
Also, the only dreams I ever remember are realistic or at least semi-realistic dreams. For example, I never dream I am hopping on clouds with Easter bunnies or anything like that. My dreams are all ones where the characters are people I know and the situations are realistic, or at least representative of realistic situations.
I keep a paper journal for my poems and other writings and in sophomore year in high school I started writing down my dreams and dating them whenever I had a dream I could remember.
In November 2006 I was a high school junior (11th grade) and I had a dream that I wrote in my journal. The date simply said "November 2006." Here is a paraphrase of the entry sine I do not have that journal with me
In the dream, I was a college student. I was sitting in the cafeteria at a booth with two girls who I think must have been my roommates (either that, or my close friends). We were commenting on how there was always too much oil in the food in our university's cafeteria. I was poking around at my Fajita with my fork and showing them how it was just dripping with oil. One of my roommates was patting a cheese pizza with a napkin and the other was telling us that's why she goes for the cereal on days like that one. I don't know their names but one of them had dyed red hair and a lip piercing while the other had dark hair that was a little past her chin. The one with the lip ring was smaller than the other one who was slightly heavier. They both wore pretty eccentric clothing.
And that's it. It's pretty short and at that time in my life, pretty insignificant and I pretty much forgot about it.
I started college in August of 2008. I was assigned 2 roommates. I had completely forgotten all of the details of this dream and only vaguely remembered that it was about me in college. I gave it no significant thought whatsoever. One day; however, my roommates and I were eating in the cafeteria. I had fajitas, and my red headed roommate was eating cereal while my dark headed roommate was eating some pizza. So... my dream happened. We started talking about how greasy and oily the food is. I thought it was deja-vu when it was happening, but... it was a really long deja-vu, probably like 2-3 minutes, so it just felt... INSANE. Then, I rememebred that I had dreamt something similar a while ago. The thing is, the journal that I had written it in was from 2006, so it was full and at home. I couldn't check until the summer. When I did... I didn't really know what to do. I told a friend (I had told him about a few of my other dreams anyway) and he told me they were not dream. They were visions from God.
I know it sounds crazy, but as I said, please do not judge this or write it off as nonsense. This is what really happened to me and my life is not nonsense. This is not the only time this has happened to me either.
Anyway, so the point is what I told my brother in the car on the way back to campus was a dream. In my last blog entry I said I had a terrible feeling something bad was going to happen, and I have that feeling because of a dream I had about a week ago.
My father is pretty ill at the moment. He has a heart condition, is diabetic, has high blood pressure, and has various other things wrong with him. He is also getting pretty old.
In my dream my father died. Well, my dream was of my mother, brother and me sitting in my parents's room the night before my father's funeral. My mother was crying as she talked about my father, his death, and how we had no one in the world that loved us except for him (really, that's pretty true - we have very few connections to our extended families and thos connections are not strong, my grandparents are all dead, and my family has moved too many times over the years to have any life long friendships).
So, given what I know about my dreams I am paranoid that my father is going to die.
In the dream, we were all a little older, so I think the dream is set at least 4 years from now.
This could be just me being paraniod because my father is ill.
It could mean nothing. Most of the dreams I remember have NOT come true, only about 3 of them have happened and they have all been fairly insignificant instances in my life.
But... when I told my brother he got really angry and started shouting at me. He said that if dad died he would blame me for it and that if I thought that this dream was from God then God was sick and terrible. It was bad. Really bad. He went on and said some really really terrible things to me that I don't really want to write down here because... they really hurt me.
Now, he won't talk to me. At all. He dropped me off at my dorm and sped away.
So, that's reall it. Right now, all I think I can do it pray about it. Pray for my father and for my mother and for my brother. I love them.
-SW
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Mismatched Puzzle
Nothing seemed to fit together today.
I was a mismatched puzzle.
I have had this terrible feeling all day that something bad is going to happen. Nothing too terrible has... yet.
I couldn't sleep last night and so I started off the day badly because I had a hard time waking up. Then, it was pouring outside. It had been raining all night and I remembered to grab my umbrella as I stepped outside.
Some days I leave my umbrella in my room on purpose so that I can feel the rain smack against my face.
It helps to reminds me that I'm still alive.
Today though, the umbrella helped me avoid walking into class soaking wet and cold. I was thankful.
Things are mediocre. Disgustingly mediocre. It makes me want to scream. Yet, they are odd shaped mediocre. Mediocre with strings attached.
-SW
I was a mismatched puzzle.
I have had this terrible feeling all day that something bad is going to happen. Nothing too terrible has... yet.
I couldn't sleep last night and so I started off the day badly because I had a hard time waking up. Then, it was pouring outside. It had been raining all night and I remembered to grab my umbrella as I stepped outside.
Some days I leave my umbrella in my room on purpose so that I can feel the rain smack against my face.
It helps to reminds me that I'm still alive.
Today though, the umbrella helped me avoid walking into class soaking wet and cold. I was thankful.
Things are mediocre. Disgustingly mediocre. It makes me want to scream. Yet, they are odd shaped mediocre. Mediocre with strings attached.
-SW
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I know how to love because my Saviour loves me
I'm an English major and ever since I could remember I have been good at English classes. All of my English teachers for all of my English classes have taught me never ever to use generalized statements like "since the dawn of time" or "for all of eternity" because nothing that continues to happen today has happened from the dawn of time or from eternity.
Well, they're wrong.
Christ IS from the beginning of time and remains for all eternity.
This whole salvation thing has become so misused, taken for granted, and hackneyed. It's almost like the words "the" or "and" or "it" - essential for comprehension of a sentence and cohesiveness but so over used that they seem to have no meaning whatsoever. The amazing truth about what salvation truly is has become stagnant in the hearts of many Christians all around the world and has become noise and foolishness to the ears of all of those who do not believe in Christ.
The truth is that Salvation is all part of a huge, colossal, ginormous, cosmic, "from the beginning of time" and "since all eternity" kind of deal.
You see... Jesus Christ was not conjured up or created or begotten by God the Father to die the moment that eve bit into that forbidden fruit. No, Christ was ALREADY there and He was given, HE gave Himself, because He so loved.
Christ loved. Loved since before we sinned, and continues to love despite of all of our sins.
God sees our brokenness and our broken world and seeks to set it right so that death and brokenness can be overcome. Not only does God break Himself - His body - to mend our broken hearts, but to mend this broken world and make everything new again.
Holy Holy Holy.
Today, I was miserable. I am miserable. There is so much sorrow in my heart right now it feels like it is not only broken but shredded and grounded to bits.
But... I learned something today.
I learned that God is.
When I am miserable, God is. When I am happy, God is. When I am sorrowful, God is. When I laugh, God is. When I cry, God is. When I sleep, God is. When I hunger, God is. When I thirst, God is. When I praise him, God is. When I sin, God is. God is, God is, God is.
And Oh, how God is...
He is love, He is compassion, He is mine, He is my master, He is great, He is kind, He is passion, He is a solid rock, He is my healer, He is Glory, He is Grace, He is Peace, He is Emmanuel, He is always with me, He is FREEDOM, He is patience, He is extravagant, He is worthy, He is King, He is King OF KINGS, He is the provider, He payed my debt, He is the spotless lamb, He is the offering, He is the prize, He is eternity, He is forever, He is infinite, He is intimate, He is Savior, He is friend, He is a gift, He is a bride groom, He is Jealous, He is justice, He is mercy, He is wrath, He is the intercessor, He is the Name above Names, He is the Promise, He is omniscient, He is humble, He is a high Priest, He answers me, He is my rescuer, He ...
He was, and is, and is to come.
Well, they're wrong.
Christ IS from the beginning of time and remains for all eternity.
This whole salvation thing has become so misused, taken for granted, and hackneyed. It's almost like the words "the" or "and" or "it" - essential for comprehension of a sentence and cohesiveness but so over used that they seem to have no meaning whatsoever. The amazing truth about what salvation truly is has become stagnant in the hearts of many Christians all around the world and has become noise and foolishness to the ears of all of those who do not believe in Christ.
The truth is that Salvation is all part of a huge, colossal, ginormous, cosmic, "from the beginning of time" and "since all eternity" kind of deal.
You see... Jesus Christ was not conjured up or created or begotten by God the Father to die the moment that eve bit into that forbidden fruit. No, Christ was ALREADY there and He was given, HE gave Himself, because He so loved.
Christ loved. Loved since before we sinned, and continues to love despite of all of our sins.
God sees our brokenness and our broken world and seeks to set it right so that death and brokenness can be overcome. Not only does God break Himself - His body - to mend our broken hearts, but to mend this broken world and make everything new again.
Holy Holy Holy.
Today, I was miserable. I am miserable. There is so much sorrow in my heart right now it feels like it is not only broken but shredded and grounded to bits.
But... I learned something today.
I learned that God is.
When I am miserable, God is. When I am happy, God is. When I am sorrowful, God is. When I laugh, God is. When I cry, God is. When I sleep, God is. When I hunger, God is. When I thirst, God is. When I praise him, God is. When I sin, God is. God is, God is, God is.
And Oh, how God is...
He is love, He is compassion, He is mine, He is my master, He is great, He is kind, He is passion, He is a solid rock, He is my healer, He is Glory, He is Grace, He is Peace, He is Emmanuel, He is always with me, He is FREEDOM, He is patience, He is extravagant, He is worthy, He is King, He is King OF KINGS, He is the provider, He payed my debt, He is the spotless lamb, He is the offering, He is the prize, He is eternity, He is forever, He is infinite, He is intimate, He is Savior, He is friend, He is a gift, He is a bride groom, He is Jealous, He is justice, He is mercy, He is wrath, He is the intercessor, He is the Name above Names, He is the Promise, He is omniscient, He is humble, He is a high Priest, He answers me, He is my rescuer, He ...
He was, and is, and is to come.
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